Looking for a mindless movie to start watching and this was On Demand. So, awayyyy we go.
7:45: What did Optimus Prime mumble about a cosmic cube? Huh?
7:46: Soldier wants to hold his baby girl. Think he's dead? Yeah, prolly.
7:47: Michael Bay movies. Explosions, military, more explosions, catch phrases, gun fire, more expolisions. Good stuff.
7:48: Uhhh, 3 minutes no explosions. What the hell?
7:50: Oh this guy is so dead. SOOOOOOOO DEAD. "She doesn't know you yet, but she will." Wow. I hope he gets his arms torn off by robots.
7:51: My other favorite part of Michael Bay movies, unnecessary exposion. Like a soldier yelling out "We're under attack!" when the audience can see everything blowing up around them.
7:53: Okay, this movie is all over the place. Shia, then an arctic circle explorer. Funny seamen jokes. Oooh, Megan Fox.
7:57: Bernie Mac (RIP) where is this movie going? It's like "On a very special Transformers... LOTS OF GUEST STARS!"
7:59: Jon Voight? This movie is freakin' bizarre. Ooh, there we go. Some snarky comments. I've now settled into a Bay movie.
8:05: Well Megan Fox doesn't need to talk in this movie, just look dreamy. Oh, wait... there she goes, she was able to mumble a few syllables.
8:07: Megan Fox explains her character. Her weakness for hot guys. Blah, blah, blah. Did they just take a military script, a teen movie script, and a sci-fi sript and then sew them haphazardly together? Oh, wait there's her midrift... what was I talking about?
8:11: I think there's a lot more than meets the eye with you. I think I just vomited in my mouth. AND HE SAYS IT AGAIN!
8:17: It sure is taking a long time for shit to blow up in this movie (from here on out STBU). I mean by this point in The Rock, we had car chases, shootouts, and a hostage situation.
8:20: Okay this movie is just freakin' bizarre. Shia chasing a car on his bike. Yeah, that's believable (he says while watching a movie about robots who suddenly look like cars.)
8:40: What is going on here with the cops? Ooooh, we're back in the Middle East. I can't believe the new father is still alive.
8:42: Ah here we go Michael Bay. Slow motion, jumping robots, gunfire. I feel much better.
8:43: Who knew you could just call the Pentagon on a cell phone from the Middle East. At least the stereotypical Indian operator is giving Unnamed Dead Guy a hard time.
8:47: From now on, when I want to bomb something I'm going to say "Bring the rain." Because I'm Bay like that.
8:48: Perhaps I was wrong about soldier with baby. We're going to get a tearful reunion instead. And of course there's only one hacker in the world who can break that code. And he's doing his best Will Ferrell in Wedding Crashers impression.
8:51: I think I'm going to coin a new phrase. "Bay like that." For example: Stereotypical fat black guys running and screaming and talking about their grandmamas? Bay like that.
8:52: Completely forgot Megan Fox was in this movie. And she has a moped. Seriously, how is this movie this confusing? It should be just explosions.
8:55: Er, Sam/Shia really ends up trusting that car very quickly, after spending all afternoon believably thinking the car is possessed. I can't believe the parts of this movie I'm having trouble with have nothing to do with robots.
8:57: So, are Optimus Prime and Megatron even in this movie?
9:01: Wow, let's just steal all the music from every popular.. I can't even explain this movie just takes what it thinks is popular and is smashing it together like a Cold Stone Creamery ice cream order.
9:03: "This is easily 100 times cooler than Armageddon." Nice try. Nice try, Michael Bay.
9:05: Hey, we have an Optimus sighting. Halfway through the freakin' movie.
9:06: Oh, God. Seriously worst... worst movie... EVER. WORST MOVIE EVER.
9:09: Exposition. After this we need a freakin' Robot blow up STBU shootout.
9:14: Optimus Prime just said "Sorry, my bad." Why does my mouth taste like puke?
9:16: All this movie needs is Roger Moore and it becomes as campy as a bad Bond movie.
9:20: McKayla or Kayla? I just now though to ask whether or not to ask what Megan Fox's character name in the movie is.
9:25: So now Megan Fox is a juvy? What was the point of that? Because the FBI agent needed something on her? This is awful. Makes no sense. But I will fulfill my duty as a live blogger and see it through.
9:26: Did he really just pee oil on John Tuturro? Who enjoys this movie? Oh, wait both my roommates. They're Bay like that.
9:36: Shia gets a laugh as he says "Who knew?" but I ask you... what is this movie even about?
9:40: Hey Megatron is still Frozen.
9:41: WHY AREN'T THINGS BLOWING UP??????? BLOW SOMETHING UP! I HAVEN"T EVEN BEEN ABLE TO USE THE PHRASE STBU yet. ARRGGHH.
9:46: That little thing talks like an Ewok. Still no explosions.
9:48: So they were after a cosmic rubix cube. They're going to hide the cube in the city. Yeah that sounds like a good idea. Seriously. Yeah, do that. That won't cause trouble.
9:54: The action is finally starting and I'm finding myself bored as hell. I'm not Bay like that.
9:55: Where did Optimus Prime get a giant sword? Michael Bay, the exposition king (probably because it's so close to explosion) can't explain that?
10:00: Yeah, let's hide the "cosmic cube" in the city. Morons.
10:03: Wasn't Megatron a giant gun in the cartoon show? (Which, by the way, was much more coherent than this movie.)
10:07: "I'll drive you shoot." You actually had to stop the car to say that? People are DYING and you stopped.
10:12: Even Bay isn't Bay like That anymore. Computer generated explosions? Whatever.
10:17: Wait, Megatron and Optimus Prime are brothers? Or was that just a turn of phrase? Soldier with a baby survived. Megan Fox still attractive when silent. But Jazz died. Awwww, he talked silly.
10:20: Optimus Prime needs to just shut up. Okay, yeah more to them than meets the eye, blah blah blah... Lame. Can't wait for the equally lame sequel.
Labels: Bay Like That, Live Blog, Live Blogging, Transformers