LIVE BLOGGING: Twilight
So, in an effort to be involved with all the cool kids, my friend's sister LeeAnn lent me TWILIGHT. And what else could I do, but watch it... So here we go:
6:41: First trailer on the DVD... Hannah Montana? Nope, but it sets the move... More after the jump.
6:42: I just may have eaten some pink chicken. So now I have two reasons to puke tonight.
6:45: Shhh, movie's starting. What if I love it? OMG, thatz totes my wurst nitemare!
6:47: So, Bella or whatever is just going to mumble her way through this narration? I mean, seriously, she seems so happy.
6:51: This has Teen Movie written all over it. Wacky Ethnic guy comes to help out Bella with terribly witty dialogue. He wears a tie to school. He has no interest in her whatsoever. THAT WE KNOW OF.
6:53: HAHAHAHAHA NEW GIRL IMMEDIATELY ACCEPTED BECAUSE SHE CAN SPIKE AND IS FUNNY. Well, sort of funny. Okay not so much.
6:55: OMG IT'S EDWARD. He's so sullen. And pale. Just like Bella. Sullen and pale. It's like a scene from a movie.
7:00: Her line delivery is awesome. Especially in the narration. Can totes see why this swept the MTV movie awards.
7:01: Though I have to say, it's an interesting twist... having the new girl really liked, but she hates everyone.
7:03: Um, the sun is shining on Edward right now. He's not melting. Or sparkly. Or anything. Oh, wait it's raining. My bad yo.
7:05: Forty minutes later, Edward knows what questions to ask. The teacher never told them to shut up. Plus, does he have a really bad accent?
7:07 Okay, yes Edward just saved her using super strength, but the more important thing here is BELLA IS A TERRIBLE PARALLEL PARKER.
7:14: Is there a reason Bella looks like she's about to throw up the whole time. And Edward for that matter? Are they watching the movie with us? Because surprisingly, I'm making the same face.
7:27: Jacob's story. RANDOM. He's exposing them to the palefaces... without doing it... He's terrible. Stupid Jacob.
7:28: Woooooo random creepy people kicking boaters. Wooooo random bad special effects!
7:31: Wait... Bella can read?
7:32: Why does pensive and a constipated face=every woman thinks you're hot?
7:40: Text version of Kristen Stewart's delivery. "Whoa. What. is. going. on." Meanwhile, Edward can get all the answers.
7:43: Lady, eat something. Have a burger. See a comedy show. Lighten up. Sheesh. Dashboard Confessional is more cheerful than you.
7:45: "How old are you?" "17." "How long have you been 17?" "A while." Clever, but, um, not exactly true.
7:46: Why does she have to say it? Why can't he admit to being a vampire? WHY DOESN'T ANYONE MAKE EYE CONTACT IN THIS MOVIE? Holy Christ, this is stupid.
7:47: I love how she has to say "It's like diamonds" because the special effects are so bad.
7:50: "You have to tell me what you're thinking." Also, we have to get really close but never kiss. You see, there's this sexual tension... I can figure out why she loves him, but why does he love her? "So the lion fell in love with the lamb..." What a stupid l----ine.
7:53: Okay, he's been outside a TON in this movie, but has only glimmered or glowed or whatever... ONCE.
7:57: Wait, if you only survive on the blood of animals... that's technically STILL NOT A VEGETARIAN.
7:58: Recap: Edward loves Bella for no discernible reason. Bella loves Edward because he looks constipated and saved her life. There are other bad vampires out there. Bella is rarely happy. Everyone else loves her too.
8:03 "As in I would become the meal." HAHAHAHAHAHAH everyone laugh good naturedly. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Why isn't she RUNNING NOW???
8:05: Okay, see now I've got it. Bella is EVERY teenage girl ever. She can't dance, she's insecure, she's afraid, but doesn't want anyone to know it even though everyone can read it on her face. Edward loves her because that's what every teenage girl ever wants. The mysterious, tough, creepy guy to love her. However.... why does the story Edward love Bella? Like in the reality of the story?
8:08: OF COURSE HE CAN PLAY THE PIANO.
8:09: Oh hey, in the coffee shop... it's Stephanie Meyer on her computer. Maybe that's how the next novel got leaked? Too busy drinking her coffee. Meanwhile, Bella's dad is extremely forthcoming to the public.
8:11: Edward says, "I like watching you sleep, it's uh..." How about creepy, Edward? How about that? OMG, BELLA WAKE UPPPPPPP. This is not a healthy relationship.
8:14: The dad's about to meet Edward and the dad is loading a shotgun. CLICHE CLICHE CLICHE...
8:16: They're playing baseball??? They're timing their hits with the thunder? The dude with the hat just cheered "OUT WOO!" but made a safe signal. And they're playing in a thunderstorm with aluminum bats. This is not smart. Also... it's not raining.
8:21: I love how the Cullen's automatically know these vampires are bad, but have no idea who they are. Lots of good staring here.
8:24: Wow, Edward is making some rash decisions here. They promised they'd leave.
8:29: The Cullens accepted her pretty quickly. I suppose she's a really good umpire.
8:33: The mom just decided to come home... immediately. I thought they were on the road... She was home in like... ten minutes.
8:34: Maybe the mom was only around the corner. They lied to Bella because she was so mopey. "Yeah, um... me and your stepdad are going to travel." And then they went to 7-11.
8:35: From Oregon to Phoenix in 30 seconds. The travels of Bella Idontknowherlastname.
8:37: He broke her leg. Her expression barely changed. Okay, do these vampires even have fangs? And he just kind of gummed her. Not even really bit her.
8:41: "Death is peaceful. Easy." I was waiting for her to say "Comedy is hard." But nope... she mopes about life.
8:44: Kristen Stewart... MTV movie award winning actress.
8:47: "Bella." "Jacob!" "Hey, I'm here just to remind you I'm going to play an important role in the next movie, 'kay?"
8:49: Bella starts dancing. Everyone leaves as the song still plays. Take a hint. You were right the first time.
8:51: I look forward to the episode where Bella moves out of town for college and breaks up with Edward after an all night Frat party. Edward's heart shatters and he blood dials her every night.
8:52: They he eats her and catches something.
8:53: Radiohead gave out the rights to a song to this movie... Wow.
6:41: First trailer on the DVD... Hannah Montana? Nope, but it sets the move... More after the jump.
6:42: I just may have eaten some pink chicken. So now I have two reasons to puke tonight.
6:45: Shhh, movie's starting. What if I love it? OMG, thatz totes my wurst nitemare!
6:47: So, Bella or whatever is just going to mumble her way through this narration? I mean, seriously, she seems so happy.
6:51: This has Teen Movie written all over it. Wacky Ethnic guy comes to help out Bella with terribly witty dialogue. He wears a tie to school. He has no interest in her whatsoever. THAT WE KNOW OF.
6:53: HAHAHAHAHA NEW GIRL IMMEDIATELY ACCEPTED BECAUSE SHE CAN SPIKE AND IS FUNNY. Well, sort of funny. Okay not so much.
6:55: OMG IT'S EDWARD. He's so sullen. And pale. Just like Bella. Sullen and pale. It's like a scene from a movie.
7:00: Her line delivery is awesome. Especially in the narration. Can totes see why this swept the MTV movie awards.
7:01: Though I have to say, it's an interesting twist... having the new girl really liked, but she hates everyone.
7:03: Um, the sun is shining on Edward right now. He's not melting. Or sparkly. Or anything. Oh, wait it's raining. My bad yo.
7:05: Forty minutes later, Edward knows what questions to ask. The teacher never told them to shut up. Plus, does he have a really bad accent?
7:07 Okay, yes Edward just saved her using super strength, but the more important thing here is BELLA IS A TERRIBLE PARALLEL PARKER.
7:14: Is there a reason Bella looks like she's about to throw up the whole time. And Edward for that matter? Are they watching the movie with us? Because surprisingly, I'm making the same face.
7:27: Jacob's story. RANDOM. He's exposing them to the palefaces... without doing it... He's terrible. Stupid Jacob.
7:28: Woooooo random creepy people kicking boaters. Wooooo random bad special effects!
7:31: Wait... Bella can read?
7:32: Why does pensive and a constipated face=every woman thinks you're hot?
7:40: Text version of Kristen Stewart's delivery. "Whoa. What. is. going. on." Meanwhile, Edward can get all the answers.
7:43: Lady, eat something. Have a burger. See a comedy show. Lighten up. Sheesh. Dashboard Confessional is more cheerful than you.
7:45: "How old are you?" "17." "How long have you been 17?" "A while." Clever, but, um, not exactly true.
7:46: Why does she have to say it? Why can't he admit to being a vampire? WHY DOESN'T ANYONE MAKE EYE CONTACT IN THIS MOVIE? Holy Christ, this is stupid.
7:47: I love how she has to say "It's like diamonds" because the special effects are so bad.
7:50: "You have to tell me what you're thinking." Also, we have to get really close but never kiss. You see, there's this sexual tension... I can figure out why she loves him, but why does he love her? "So the lion fell in love with the lamb..." What a stupid l----ine.
7:53: Okay, he's been outside a TON in this movie, but has only glimmered or glowed or whatever... ONCE.
7:57: Wait, if you only survive on the blood of animals... that's technically STILL NOT A VEGETARIAN.
7:58: Recap: Edward loves Bella for no discernible reason. Bella loves Edward because he looks constipated and saved her life. There are other bad vampires out there. Bella is rarely happy. Everyone else loves her too.
8:03 "As in I would become the meal." HAHAHAHAHAHAH everyone laugh good naturedly. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Why isn't she RUNNING NOW???
8:05: Okay, see now I've got it. Bella is EVERY teenage girl ever. She can't dance, she's insecure, she's afraid, but doesn't want anyone to know it even though everyone can read it on her face. Edward loves her because that's what every teenage girl ever wants. The mysterious, tough, creepy guy to love her. However.... why does the story Edward love Bella? Like in the reality of the story?
8:08: OF COURSE HE CAN PLAY THE PIANO.
8:09: Oh hey, in the coffee shop... it's Stephanie Meyer on her computer. Maybe that's how the next novel got leaked? Too busy drinking her coffee. Meanwhile, Bella's dad is extremely forthcoming to the public.
8:11: Edward says, "I like watching you sleep, it's uh..." How about creepy, Edward? How about that? OMG, BELLA WAKE UPPPPPPP. This is not a healthy relationship.
8:14: The dad's about to meet Edward and the dad is loading a shotgun. CLICHE CLICHE CLICHE...
8:16: They're playing baseball??? They're timing their hits with the thunder? The dude with the hat just cheered "OUT WOO!" but made a safe signal. And they're playing in a thunderstorm with aluminum bats. This is not smart. Also... it's not raining.
8:21: I love how the Cullen's automatically know these vampires are bad, but have no idea who they are. Lots of good staring here.
8:24: Wow, Edward is making some rash decisions here. They promised they'd leave.
8:29: The Cullens accepted her pretty quickly. I suppose she's a really good umpire.
8:33: The mom just decided to come home... immediately. I thought they were on the road... She was home in like... ten minutes.
8:34: Maybe the mom was only around the corner. They lied to Bella because she was so mopey. "Yeah, um... me and your stepdad are going to travel." And then they went to 7-11.
8:35: From Oregon to Phoenix in 30 seconds. The travels of Bella Idontknowherlastname.
8:37: He broke her leg. Her expression barely changed. Okay, do these vampires even have fangs? And he just kind of gummed her. Not even really bit her.
8:41: "Death is peaceful. Easy." I was waiting for her to say "Comedy is hard." But nope... she mopes about life.
8:44: Kristen Stewart... MTV movie award winning actress.
8:47: "Bella." "Jacob!" "Hey, I'm here just to remind you I'm going to play an important role in the next movie, 'kay?"
8:49: Bella starts dancing. Everyone leaves as the song still plays. Take a hint. You were right the first time.
8:51: I look forward to the episode where Bella moves out of town for college and breaks up with Edward after an all night Frat party. Edward's heart shatters and he blood dials her every night.
8:52: They he eats her and catches something.
8:53: Radiohead gave out the rights to a song to this movie... Wow.
Labels: Davey Being Davey, Live Blogging, Twilight
posted by Dave White at 5:40 PM
8 Comments:
this...was truly amazing.
Shouldn't you be doing report cards or working on a new story?
My 12 year old daughter is dying to see this movie, but after reading the book I just can't allow it. The movie sounds as stupid as the book. She did read the book and out of 500 pages (!!!) she found the last 30 "interesting."
When I found out Meyer was a Mormon, it pretty much explained everything.
I sent this to a friend of mine who's read the series. Her response:
"The sad part? I know exactly what he's talking about and when in the movie... :-P"
I've taken to calling the Twilight novels Mormon Porn.
I read about 50 pages of the first one. He loves her because her blood smells really good and he'd really like to eat her.
No. Really.
no posts in ten days? what are you doing?
Hello, Mr. White. I'm sorry, but as a major Twilight fan I have to disagree. This was a very good review, though. Everyone against the saga should read this.-Your former student
Thanks former student. I appreciate the feedback.
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