The 100 Cheesiest Movie Quotes of All Time

One of the greatest cheesy lines of all time, for me, came from a James Bond movie.

Moonraker.

"Mr. Bond, you appear with the tedious inevitability of an unloved season."

"I didn't know there were seasons in space, Drax."

"You will only know Winter."


Just let that one sink in....

House Hunting

The HUNT IS ON!!!!!!

My fiancee and I have started looking for houses, you know, so we can live together once we're married.

So far we've visited six houses. Our Realtor has done a wonderful job trying to find homes that suit our tastes, the location we need, and the price we can afford.

But man... we've seen some weird stuff.

In one house, we saw floors that were so warped we felt like we were walking up and down hill most of the time. All the shirts in the house were organized not only by color, but in the order of the color rainbow! Sandals too!

Another home was vacant, but I'm pretty sure it was abandoned. In 1962. The walls were over done with fake brick siding, and then painted a faded yellow. The kitchen cabinets were wall papered on the inside. Nothing was updated.

And finally there was the old person's house. When we walked in through the front door we were punch in the face with the smell of... I don't even know how to describe it. Something like a cross between Ben-gay, mothballs, and just plain old age. And it permeated the house where ever we were. There were small statues around the basement, including a miniature of the Venus de Milo.

And then there was the doll.

Against one basement wall was a 3 foot tall life like doll of a little girl in a dress. But the girl was not facing us. Instead, it was leaning against the wall, back to us, and arms raised as if she were covering here eyes. You know, like counting for Hide-And-Seek.

We got the hell out of there.

More on this to come...

The First Rule

Robert Crais has published a new Joe Pike book. The publisher sent me a copy to check out.

Frank Martin was a friend of Joe Pike's, a former military man as well. When he and his family are murdered in a home invasion, leave it to Pike to figure the case out.

I like Joe Pike. He's Hawk, but with more depth. Each Pike outing gives the reader a little more insight into the psyche of this character. Why is he so willing to kill? How is he different from his friend and partner Elvis Cole?

This book is no different.

But of course, it wouldn't be a Crais novel without some heavy action. There are some great gunfights in this book, and Crais does manage to heighten the tension.

While Joe and Elvis don't seem to change as much in this novel as they have in the past, it's still worth taking a ride with them.

Well done.

New Jersey: the Promised Land--Sprinkles and Subs

In New Jersey, we put sprinkles on our ice cream. We take these little chocolate or rainbow sugar flakes and drop them on to the top of our ice cream and make it look pretty and taste even better. The name for these little flakes is appropriate. They are small and you "sprinkle" them on to your ice cream.

When you get a long sandwich, you know on a roll with meat and cheeses and lettuce and all that stuff... it's called a submarine sandwich. Or a sub?

Why? Because that's what it looks like. It makes sense. It's cool.

It's logical.

Compare that to what they call it in New Jersey (#30). Or more specifically.... South Jersey.

Down there, they call sprinkles "Jimmies." And they call "subs" ... hoagies.

I don't even know what those things are.

Why call a sprinkle a Jimmy? Do you have to "jimmy" the lid off the sprikles to get them out?

NO.

And what the heck is a hoagie? I honestly have no idea. I can't even begin to justify this one. I'm not going to even try.

It just sounds stupid.

You see, while anything south of the Driscoll Bridge is technically New Jersey... it gets weird down there. They talk funny. When they say "phone" it sounds like "phewn." They root for Philadelphia sports teams.

There's a "devil" that lives in a forest... (we'll get to that some day...)

North Jersey is sane. We speak eloquently. We're cooler... and our food names are logical

Crime Factory

Keith Rawson and his cohorts have revitalized an old magazine in Kindle and online format.

It's called Crime Factory. It's magazine format, but it's not printed.

But damn, does it look snazzy.

Featured is an excerpt of a new novel by Ken Bruen.

A sort of book commentary by Adrian McKinty.

Great opinions, thoughts, and reviews by the Nerd of Noir.

And some short stories by Hilary Davidson, Steve Weddle, and me.

Mine's called "The Suitcase".

I hope you take some time out of your day and check it out!

Forgotten Books Friday: L. A. Requiem

This isn't exactly a forgotten book, but it's a book I haven't thought about in a long while. But I'm reading THE FIRST RULE right now, and it got me thinking about Crais' biggest Elvis Cole book.

When I read this book, I was just getting into PI fiction. I'd read Parker, Chandler and MacDonald. I had finally gotten the rhythm of a PI novel down. Someone comes into the office and hires the PI. The PI gets involved personally. Case solved, PI usually ends up sad.

And then came Crais. For a while I didn't notice anything different about him. He had the same thing... a witty PI, a crazy sidekick, some good characters. And then came REQUIEM.

Crais blew the whole genre up.

I don't say that lightly.

He blew it up.

He took things that had been done before--the PI novel, the police procedural, the thriller, and studying two dark characters deeply and managed to mix it into one incredibly satisfying novel. I can remember being glued to the page, never wanting to put the book down. And I hardly did. I think I read it in two days.

To say this novel was an inspiration to WHEN ONE MAN DIES is an understatement. The mixing of voices, the action that pushed the characters forward.

This is a book I want to read again to see if it holds up. I hope it does.

It's one of the books that made me the writer I am today.

Best of the Blog: 2005

I was going through my old blog posts and thought this was a pretty funny one. The kinds of things that always show up in movie trailers:

Serial Killer Lines
Just thought I'd share with you some of my favorite ridiculous lines from serial killer movies. I just saw a commerical for The Inside some new profiler show on Fox.

Anyways, here are some of my favorite lines that are said in every serial killer movie:

He wants to be caught.

I don't like this one one bit. Either the guy wants to kill and kill compulsively or he wants to be caught. Why not turn yourself in? The only time this one work is in Se7en.


He will kill again.

Yes. That's what serial killers do.

That doesn't fit the profile.

Anybody else sick of the profile? I know I am. This one went over the top when Sandra Bullock muttered "The profile doesn't fit the profile." in that wonderful movie Murder by Numbers.

He wants them to suffer.

No kidding? Man, I really thought he wanted them to die peacefully in their sleep.
There have to be more. Anyone else got any good ones?

Writing Characters

I always wonder how other authors go about writing characters. In interviews, most of them say they start with a character. They come up with an idea for someone and see where it takes them.

That happened to me with my first two Donne novels. I started with Donne. Where is he in his life? What's he doing? Okay, now what can come in an really shake up that status quo for the 250 pages or so?

This book, however, was different. I had a scene in mind. I thought I had a character, but as I've been going from draft to draft, I've realized I had a character type. But the actual character wasn't there. He needed to be developed.

Each draft I've learned a little more about him.

And here's the funny thing.

Once I figured him out? I needed to figure out another 7 or 8 characters.

That's why revision is so important. I have been trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. I've been trying to fit my characters to the action and that's always wrong.

A good reader will notice it. And that's why my agent is so helpful. His instincts are good and he can tell when a character isn't doing what he's supposed to be.

So, I've got five deep characters. And I'm trying to make two more deep as well.

Only then can motivations be believable. Only then will a reader be willing to follow these people through hell.

What do you writers think? How do you go about creating characters? Does it come before all the writing? Or does it come in the revisions?

R.I.P. Robert B. Parker

My father once said that THE GOLDWULF MANUSCRIPT was the kind of book he wanted to write. Robert B. Parker just did it a lot better.

Parker was my first introduction to the world of private investigators via Spenser. My parents were always buying his paperbacks, reading them, and then passing them to me. I loved the voice, the witty banter, the action, everything that went along with a Spenser novel. I enjoyed that Spenser never felt rushed, and rarely felt afraid. He knew he would solve the case, and he would do what it would take to get the job done. Some people would call it lazy writing, all the tension taken out of the novel. It didn't matter to me. I loved Parker's characters. They were broadly drawn, but had a depth to them that would sneak up on you.

I even liked Susan.

Between my freshman and sophomore year of college, I breezed through the first four novels on a road trip to Florida. During that trip, MORTAL STAKES became one of my all time favorite books. After that, I didn't miss a novel.

And as the series went on, people complained the quality of them sagged. I kept buying them, the day they came out.

You see, the Spenser novels weren't about thrilling reads to me. They became a visit with an old, tough, and funny friend. Half the fun was noting the types of beer Spenser drank, trying to spot quotes from English lit. Half my witty comebacks were borne from something read in a Spenser novel. I always wanted to know what Spenser was up to... even if it was the same old same old. I even read Jesse Stone, Sunny Randall, and the Appaloosa novels. None of them were Spenser.

I couldn't give him up.

Last fall, the last (I'm assuming) Spenser novel was published. As usual, I bought it on release day. I hadn't read it yet. I gave it to my parents to check out. There were other things to read. Other books to check out, other authors I wanted to get to first.

THE PROFESSIONAL is going to be my next read. I'll probably read it slowly, trying to savor that one last visit with an old friend.

Those visits will be missed.

New Jersey: The Promised Land--History

One of the most indelible images of the American Revolution is George Washington taking his men across the Delaware River on Christmas night to attack the British.

Throughout Bergen County you can follow Washington's Retreat. You can visit Washington's Headquarters.

In New Brunswick NJ there is a plaque commemorating the second place the Declaration of Independance was ever read.

There is a crow's nest in my hometown of Clifton where soldiers watched for troops approaching from Manhattan.

Compare that to New Hampshire (#29). New Hampshire's capital is Concord.

Guess what?

That's not the same Concord that was involved in the Battle of Lexington and Concord. You may have thought it was, but you'd be wrong. That Concord was in Mass...

So, what did New Hampshire do?

Not much.

They were the first to form an independent state government... but that wasn't meant to last.

They sent some troops to Bunker Hill.

Beyond that, they pretty much stayed out of the whole thing.

New Jersey stepped up. We were the battle ground. Our state swung the war. We were involved in trickery, surrenders... excitement. New Hampshire said, "What's going on down there? Oh... um.. That's cool."

In fact, I don't really know why they're part of the US. Maybe when Montana secedes, NH will go with them...

(I'm still watching you Big Sky...)

Racquetball

I discovered racquetball back in 2006, when a friend of mine took a class on it for a Phys Ed credit. He and I would play occasionally, and he'd beat the living tar out of me. Every once in a while I'd pick up and play again, getting better each time.

I joined a gym this year with a few friends. They have racquetball courts and have been playing pretty regularly.

I love the game. I love the way the ball can take wicked bounces and keep you out of it completely, or it can bounce your way for an entire afternoon and you can win when you feel like you're not even playing well. It's a crazy game, but it's a hell of a work out.

The game is at it's best when you're volleying. Sometimes, if the ball hits the wall just right, someone who's returning it doesn't even get a chance... the ball stays too close to the ground. But when there's a good volley, you really feel like you're good at a sport. Each pop of the racquet strings could be another point, and it gets to a moment with neither of the players... and both of them... think they're going to win. It's a lot of fun.

I still don't win much, but I'm a lot more competitive. I'm probably the Fred Hill of racquetball. I have a plan and a vision to do better, but I'm having trouble implementing it.

Though I must say this, when the game isn't going well... I don't think I've sworn that much in my life.

Book Review: SLEEPLESS

I received a copy of Charlie Huston's latest novel from Random House a few weeks ago. I finally got to tear into it last week.

What a book.

The quick summary: In post-apocalyptic Los Angeles (sort of post apocalytic 2010), people are stricken with Insomnia. The city is about to go under marshal law. And Parker Haas is an undercover cop assigned to slow the trade of the drug Dreamer... one that give give the stricken sleep. Parker's wife has the disease. Meanwhile, Parker is being trailed by the mysterious Jasper.

To say much more would give the book away. But this book is completely different from anything he's done. It's still a noir novel, but it's also a political novel, a speculative fiction novel, and a meditation on the state of the world and what could be.

Gone are the brief description Huston is known for. Instead he's created several deep characters who live and breathe in the world of the book. Two of these characters have some of the most distinct narrative voices I've seen.

It is a challenging book. I was saw offput by the differences from Huston's other novels, I feel I missed some things early on in the novel. It's a book that begs to be re-read, but it is also a rewarding book.

The last fifteen pages are so powerful, I sat silently for fifteen minutes after I finished it.

Highly recommended.

Dave White As a Teen: Job

My first job was in an A&P. It's a supermarket in Saddle Brook, NJ.

I started out as a cashier, but was really unable to count well. I think one night I lost something like 90 dollars in checks and was on probation for a little while. I don't really know what happened. It's not like the customer didn't give me a check. I probably typed the wrong number in.

I was quickly shifted to the Dairy Department. You know milk, juice, cheese, cottage cheese. Grossness.

I was not a fan of cheese before I had this job. Afterward, I didn't want to be anywhere near it (Save mozzarella, which I really didn't deal with.).

Why?

Because my job was simple. Anytime a product went out of date, I had to cut the UPC symbol off of it. With a box cutter.

A lot of stuff goes out of date at a supermarket.

So I'd spend 4 hours at a time slicing and dicing the UPCs off Ricotta, cream and cottage cheese. The knife would often slip and I come home with little cuts on my hands. I still have a scar.

When I wasn't cutting, I was stocking shelves and rotating. Is there a more tedious job? I doubt it. You couldn't just put things on the shelves, you had to put them behind what was already on the shelf.

So you had to TAKE STUFF DOWN, put new stuff in and then put the old stuff back.

Seriously tedious job.

Especially when you worked every Friday night 7-11 and Saturdays until 9.

So my social life was stocking and cutting.

Sigh.

Thank God I got outta that one.

Movie Review: UP

Sunday night, the fiancee and I watched UP.

UP is a Pixar movie about an old man who's just lost his wife. Both of them loved adventure and longed to find Paradise Falls. He decides to attach balloons to his house and use his home as a dirigible and find the falls.

Pixar is almost always reliable for great films and this is one of them. The movie is filled with laughs, mostly played out by the old man's relationship with Russell a young boy scout who manages to tag along on the trip.

But what really got to me is the emotion in this film. The opening montage of the old man's marriage and eventually losing his wife really tugs at the heart. And in the final ten minutes, the movie manages to revisit the relationship with the wife and punch you in the solar plexus again.

This is the first movie I've ever gotten real tears in my eyes. If you haven't seen it yet go check it out.

New Jersey: The Promised Land: Gambling

New Jersey has the greatest gambling venue in the country. Atlantic City.

Where else can you find casinos near a beach?

I mean, you go inside, play a little blackjack, have a few drinks, eat some buffet and then you go outside and sidestep some syringes. Next think you know, you're in the Atlantic Ocean. The waves are crashing down, you're body surfing, you're avoiding jellyfish.

When you're done? Go back inside, hop on the Texas Hold 'Em table. It's a great way to save some of your money, especially when luck is not on your side.

Comepare that to Las Vegas in Nevada (#28). What's there? A desert.

You go and there's nothing to distract you from the sin that surrounds you. You go outside and you're going to dehydrate. You stay inside and you're going to demoolahate. Las Vegas gets the rap for being the PLACE. But it's not.

In Atlantic City you can do anything. You can find a happening party. You can search out a ghetto. You can enjoy a wonderful buffet and then sunbathe on the beach.

From what I hear, you can't do that (sunbathe) in Las Vagas. You'll shrivel up. There's nothing to distract you from the glittering lights, the pure oxygen, and ATM machines.

Atlantic City is a safe haven for gamblers.

Rutgers Basketball Update... Early January

About a month ago, I gave an update on the basketball team. At the time, I said I didn't know how the team would progress this season. There had been good moments and there had been some bad moments. Overall, however, I was optimistic.

I know now.

RU has lost four games in a row, and is 0-3 in the Big East. The first two losses of this stretch were actually promising.

Having found out that sophomore Center Greg Echenique would be out for the season with a detached retina, the team seemed to come together a bit. They were down 4 with 2 minutes left at UNC.

They lost a close battle to an improved Cincinnati.

And then the bottom fell out.

A 34 point loss at West Virginia.

And then over tthe weekend, it got even worse.

One of the building blocks, Greg Echenique decided he was going to transfer--despite the injury.

And the team lost to Providence by 14.

And now rumors say that Mike Rosario--the other building block--is unhappy.

I'm sorry, I like Fred Hill a lot. I thought he was going to get it done, but it doesn't look good anymore. I've given up on him.

I'm usually okay with losing. It's not the best thing, as a sports fan, but if there are players in the system there's always hope they'll improve.

But when your best players start transferring, that's the worst. There is no hope for the season when a players gone, and if recruits start seeing players are leaving the program, there becomes no hope that other players will come here in the future.

Fred has recruited and then lost 6 players under his regime: Corey Chandler, Justin Sofman, Earl Pettis, Christian Morris, Courtney Nelson, and Echenique.

And now the blowout losses are piling up. Syracuse is coming to town this week.

There is NO CHANCE.

Fred needs a miracle.

I don't see it happening.

It's time for a new Rutgers regime, I think.

Too bad.

Books I Got For Christmas

I know this is two weeks too late and everyone's forgotten Christmas, but I wanted to mention some of these books.

HOME IMPROVEMENT FOR DUMMIES: See Wednesday's post for why I got this book. I've already flipped through it. The words and pictures confused me more than a foreign film.

THE BODY by Stephen King: I got a really cool copy of this. It was published in England and is set for upper middle school kids. It comes with quizzes and discussion topics in the back. If the content is fit for the students I teach, I may read it to them.

ANOTHER LIFE by Andrew Vachss: I've tried to read Vachss a few times, but haven't been able to get very far. This is apparently the final Burke novel. Anyone know if I need to read the rest of the series to keep up?

Plus I got a bunch of gift cards. So far I've acquired:

THE FIRST QUARRY by Max Allen Collins: I love a good hitman novel. And the cover was very cool.

MONEY SHOT by Christa Faust: I've been meaning to get to this one for a long time.

WICKED CITY by Ace Atkins: I've never read Ace, but the summary for this one and DEVIL'S GARDEN sound pretty awesome.

What did you get?

Dave White as a Teen: My First (and Only) Detention

I never got in trouble in school. Never got sent to the office.

Principals and Vice Principals and Deans of Discipline never knew who I was. I got through 3.75 years of high school without a threat of detention. Not a whiff of suspension. Barely a call home for disciplinary reasons (I had a bad academic year my junior year, so I'm sure there were some calls that year).

And then, in the 4th quarter of my senior year, I made a mistake.

We have these things called Progress Reports. They're little warning letters half way through the quarter. They don't have grades on them, just numbers indicating your "progress." You have to have your parents sign them and bring them back to your homeroom teacher.

I did fine. I was passing everything. I was on track to graduate.

There was just one little problem. The day it was due, I forgot mine. My parents saw it, but they didn't remember to sign it.

And so it sat, as I drove my little Honda Prelude to school, on my parents' kitchen table.

Unsigned.

I got to class and the HR teacher asked for the reports. I dug through my folder and it wasn't there.

I was assigned a detention for the next day. I was stunned.

The next day came, and I sat it homeroom, waiting to hand in my progress report, but my parents had AGAIN FORGOTTEN TO SIGN IT. I was not getting another detention.

I forged my dad's signature. I could still do it if I needed to. I did not get caught.

That afternoon I served the detention. Well, half of it. The teacher let me leave because I kept asking her if it was really necessary for me to be there. It was the principle of the thing, she said.

I did not inform her that giving me a detention forced me to break an even bigger rule and forge a signature. If I had gotten caught, I would have really been in trouble.

I think the Statute of Limitations is up on this one... so I'm confessing to it now.

PS: I'm blogging over at Do Some Damage today. Just like every Thursday.

Home Improvement

When my fiancee and I first decided it was time to buy a house, something became clear. We were going to have to fix up the bathroom in her condo so she could sell it for top dollar.

Now, there's something you should know about me. I suck at home improvement. I did not grow up a handyman. I don't know what to do with pretty much anything tool related.

I informed my fiancee of this, and she didn't believe me. I informed her that no matter what I try to fix... everything goes wrong.

She thought I just didn't want to do it and pushed on. We had to scrape, paint, replace a vanity, hang a new mirror, rewire new lights, and caulk.

The first part was stripping wallpaper border off the wall. The bathroom is not big. You know, standard size for a one bedroom condo.

It took two days.

Paint chipped. Part of the dry wall crumbled. I swore a lot. Then I tried to Spackle. I over did it. There were huge bumps of white Spackle on the wall that she sanded down.

Then we called in her brother-in-law to replace the vanity. I was smart this time. I tried to stay out of the way. Hand over tools, go fetch pieces that were missing at home depot.

It took 8 hours. And the bathroom flooded. I got cursed at this time.

She called her father in to hang the mirror. A pipe ALMOST burst.

I was not allowed to even be at the condo when she painted.

But it's done now. About five weeks since we started.

Looks nice too.

New Jersey: The Promised Land--Shape

If you look at New Jersey on a map, you'll see a very interesting shape. We're like a piece to a puzzle, sharp on either end, but flexible to fit in with the rest of the world.

We're pointy at times, of course, but who isn't? There's some real personality in the shape of New Jersey. It's tough, don't mess with us to the north, we'll stab ya. Meanwhile, we're just dippin' our toes in the water to the south. Just checking things out, making sure all is okay. And to the west? We are snug. Fit right in with PA. In fact, I'd say we comfort PA... it's Okay PA, we'll hold you. No worries.

Compare that to say... Nebraska (#27).

Nebraska looks like a missing Tetris piece. Seriously, if I were close to the top of the screen, I'd be praying for Nebraska to show up and eliminate about fifty lines so I could keep playing on that level. I could flip it and fit it in a tight spot... or I could keep it horizontal and take up a lot of room.

It doesn't stand out. It's not striking. If anything it's a pot with a handle. Like Jiffy Pop. And, you know, Nebraska is known for corn.

Be careful on a hot day. You might be driving and suddenly see the entire state turn into burnt butter popcorn covered by tin foil.

But if that happened, at least then you'd be memorable.

Dave White's Musical Revue-Er-Review: Phantom of the Opera

Once again I play the role of the Anti-Quertermous.

Last week I talked about WICKED and how, despite my enjoyment of the play, it had some flaws toward the end.

This time I'll focus on Andrew Lloyd Weber's PHANTOM OF THE OPERA.

Okay, the quick synopsis. Girl singer in an opera. Phantom haunts opera. Loves girl. Kills people. Cries.

I don't understand this play one bit, and I'd really like it if someone could explain it to me. The problem lies in the ending. And the female character.

SPOILERS!!!!!!!!!!!


Okay, so Christine has to be about the easiest fall-in-love sap in the world. She falls "in love" and gets engaged to burly hero man (not the Phantom) about about a week. (I actually seem to recall it's one night, but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt.)

She then doesn't want to announce to the world that she's engaged--for no real reason... Except maybe the Phantom, who spends the entire first act whining about her and "teaching her to sing", will find out and try to kill her.

The Phantom, to try and talk her into loving him, kills about 47 people, makes other people do horrible things. And then, he puts himself into a play he wrote (one with really terrible music, by the way... except for one really good duet). He kidnaps Christine TWICE.

Yet at the end, she kisses him like she means it. The Phantom says he loves her and, though Christine runs off with hero man, she acts like she loves the Phantom.

WHY?

Because he's a horrific murderer?

Because she's a weak character?

I don't get it. Can someone fill me in... Maybe I missed something when I saw it.

But the gist of it is, the most fickle woman in the world has two guys completely in love with her and picks the Phantom, in her heart, despite the fact that he nearly dropped a chandelier on her.

Right, Raoul, you really found yourself a winner in her.

Welcome to 2010: NEW SLOGAN

If you're a loyal reader of this blog, you'll know each year my friend Brian creates a new slogan.

Last year's was 2009: The Deal. At the time, I didn't know what it meant. But I've since become in engaged. And that's sort of making a deal isn't it?

There haven't been many other deals, but I think getting engaged is a big one.

So, what'd he come up for this year?

2010: CONTACT.

As usual, I have no idea what it means, but I'm sure if you twist it enough at the end of the year... you can figure out a way to make it work.

Any guesses as to what "Contact" will represent in 2010?